Meeting the Monster

I’ve been reading a lot of material about meeting our worst fear(s) and moving through to the full experience of that fear. The full experience may mean that what we’re afraid of could actually happen.

After some 50 odd years of exploring my own darker emotions, I thought I had pretty much covered the territory. Apparently not.  First of all, I’d been failing to see something so very obvious I thought it couldn’t possibly be of the “monster fear” variety. Last night I faced it.

                         ajo 004

What if, after all these years of devoting myself to this evolutionary process in which all of humanity is engaged (sometimes unconsciously), I stay the same?

What if I don’t ever really wake up? What if renewal never happens in my own life? What if I never do “fulfill my potential?” What if I never again have the kind of physical energy I need to dance until I’m lost in movement and music? Or the confidence to try new things?

What if I never again have a partner? What if I never create the kind of space where I feel free and ecstatic, instead just growing older, stiffer, and content to simply be content, without ever again experiencing the adventures & joyous energy I have felt in the past? What if all the trainings, courses, activations, initiations, and channelings don’t “take” in my case and I’m left behind?

I met that monster fear last night and embraced it. I embraced the me who is afraid of this. I said “Okay, no matter what, I still love you. If you never accomplish another bit of creative magic in your entire life, I love you and you are enough.”

I told myself that if all I ever accomplish with the rest of my life is this total self-acceptance, it is enough, it is a contribution to our evolution as a species. I will have, in this small way, increased the experience of love on the planet and that will suffice.

I gave myself permission to go on being totally ordinary. I celebrated my amazing children and their wonderful lives with loving partners and marvelous children. I amped up my appreciation for all my talented, funny, fabulous friends and for how very comfortable I am where I live, even if I am bored outta my gourd. I celebrated the fact that I live in one of the most beautiful small towns in the country, that I have enough money to live on comfortably, that I am healthy, and so on.

Then a totally unexpected thing happened: after years of insomnia, I simply went to sleep, without any sleep aids. I got up this morning, dressed and went out for breakfast. I decided to make myself more available, to come out of my hermit-like shell, to see where I might want to engage.

I’ve stopped waiting for the big shift to happen in my life. It may happen. It may not. I’m okay either way. I’m just not waiting. If my life doesn’t have a whole new chapter in which my grandest dreams and desires manifest, I can still love myself. That is something anyone can do and it isn’t any less valuable for that.

I invite you to unmask the “monster fear” in your own life and to love yourself completely in the process, no matter how dire your future may seem at this point. There’s such sweetness in this process. It may be as brief and subtle as a sip of nectar from a honeysuckle blossom, and it is so worth it!

The gift of loving ourselves exactly as we are (whether that’s cranky, troubled, impoverished, greedy, whatever) is one we can give ourselves to make every day a Valentine’s Day in our lives. This has the added advantage of making us much more able to love “others” as they are, giving them the same gift of loving acceptance we’ve learned to give ourselves. In this period of increasing angst and polarization, there really is no more precious gift to give either ourselves or the world around us.